Feeding my son

I had my son in 2014 and had an acute onset of my symptoms 13 days later, resulting in adrenal crisis.

Before this, when I was still in the maternity unit, I was advised by an obstetrician that my milk would be delayed coming in because I lost a lot of blood. They couldn’t tell me when to expect my milk, but to keep trying to breastfeed.

This should have been identified as an early warning sign of pituitary damage, but it was missed. I wasn’t referred to an endocrinologist and wasn’t advised to start bottle feeding as soon as possible.

 I was encouraged by many staff to keep trying to breastfeed, even though I had no milk. I was advised that if I gave my son too much formula he wouldn’t want to try to breastfeed, and repeatedly told that breast was best.

My son was very hungry, and we started to cup feed him with formula. We were told to use a cup so that he could still learn to breastfeed. We kept being advised to try to breastfeed and not to stop in case it didn’t work. Each day I would desperately hope I’d see milk, but nothing ever came. I was even advised to start trying to express with a milk pump, just to see if it would stimulate any milk. It didn’t work of course! All that happened was I became incredibly sore and frustrated. 

Our son lost a lot of weight and went very cold and sleepy at one point, which was so scary. At this point my husband went to buy bottles and a big pack of formula. Despite recognising this was the right thing to do, I cried. I had been told over and over that breast feeding was the best thing for my son. I felt my body had failed and I didn’t understand why. None of the health professionals around me could explain either. It seemed a complete surprise to everyone. Days later I woke up in adrenal crisis and was rushed to hospital.

Looking back almost 8 years later, I still feel sad about this. It felt at the time that there was this obsession with breastfeeding in society. This pressure came from all angles as a pregnant and then new mother. The maternity staff seemed equally insistent on breastfeeding as well.  

What I actually needed on the maternity ward, was to be supported to bottle feed formula as early as possible, because quite simply, there was nothing else that could give my son enough fluid and food. Then being urgently referred to endocrinology so my pituitary failure was detected before I became critically ill.

My son is now a big, bouncy, healthy boy. He did really well on formula milk and has a huge appetite even now! I’ve been able to forgive my body; after all it was injured and crying for help.

I think there needs to be a shift in attitudes around breast and bottle feeding. There needs to be more empathy, kindness and understanding. Less judgement of what makes a good mother and more support for the right choice for each individual.